Parenting Like God Parents Us: Remembering What It’s Like to Be a Kid

On a road trip. several years ago, my husband and I listened to Ramona, The Pest by Beverly Cleary. It was a book we had both enjoyed as children, but we listened to it with very different ears, as adults. Beverly Cleary has a gift for understanding how children think. Dan and I kept finding ourselves saying things like, “I remember feeling like that. I remember being excited like that. I remember feeling confused like that,” etc. We concluded that all new parents ought to read the Ramona series in order to help them understand their children better: to help them remember what it was like to be a kid and to use that understanding to “look inside of” their children more often.

God keeps our frame in mind as He parents us. Rather than being frustrated with our humanness, he pities us. Rather than feeling frustrated with our children because they’re being…..childish (it’s an inherent part of being a child), we ought to model the way God parents us.

Psalm 103: 13-14 “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”

My parents are good to have around. Sometimes I’m ready to pull my hair out over my children’s impulsiveness, silliness, messiness, etc. Then I’ll look over at my parents who are biting their lips to stifle a laugh, looking the other way, covering their mouths, and it gives me perspective: Should I expect them to act like adults? No. It is my great privilege to lead them into adulthood, but it takes many years to get there. I need to remember their frame.

In Grace Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel, there’s a story in Chapter 3: A Secure Love that moved me to tears. This is a somewhat long excerpt, but it’ll be worth your time if you allow it to give you some perspective on your children:

“I was sitting in a hotel restaurant in Portland, Oregon. It was a Sunday morning. I was catching a plane around noon, which afforded me the luxury of enjoying a leisurely breakfast. This restaurant offered an all-inclusive breakfast buffet, with a lower price for kids.

A mom arrived with her two children: an infant and a boy approximately four years old. I noticed the boy right away. His face was filled with excitement, and his mouth was running a mile a minute as they circled the buffet line so that Mom could see the options. His mother held the infant while the boy followed along. He could barely contain his excitement. He saw the fruit, the varieties of cereal, the pancakes and waffles, and the station where the chef made omelets to your specifictions. Then I watched his eyes pop out of his head as he studied the trays full of breakfast “desserts”–blueberry muffins, bear claws, and assorted Danish. This brief chance to watch this enthusiastic boy check out the breakfast buffet quickly became the highlight of my morning. I was watching a boy designed by God take a big breath out of every moment. He was absolutely in love with his surroundings. He looked like a boy who had gone to food heaven.

The Chief Task of Parenting- Showing God to our Children

I recently discovered this quote from John Piper (Here is the source):

The most fundamental task of a mother and father is to show God to the children. Children know their parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like transformation. The children will have years of exposure to what the universe is like before they know there is a universe. They will experience the kind of authority there is in the universe and the kind of justice there is in the universe and the kind of love there is in the universe before they meet the God of authority and justice and love who created and rules of the universe. Children are absorbing from dad his strength and leadership and protection and justice and love; and they are absorbing from mother her care and nurture and warmth and intimacy and justice and love—and, of course, all these overlap.

And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who he really is in his authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like. The chief task of parenting is to know God for who he is in his many attributes, and then to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible.

The idea of parenting our children as God parents us has gripped me for over a year. I’ve had a few friends and a few books steering my thinking in that direction, even before I came across this Piper quote. I haven’t fully wrapped my mind around the idea yet, but I’m fascinated by it and would welcome any discussion on the topic.

How does God deal with disobedient children? This has been the hardest facet of this topic for me to understand. The punishment for my sin was paid in full by Jesus Christ, and I am no longer under condemnation for my sin. God has shown me grace. When I first began thinking about this topic, I wondered, “So, in order to parent my children as God parents me, am I to show grace toward my children and overlook their sin?” Is that how God parents us? Overlooking their sin didn’t seem right, and it didn’t line up with other parenting verses in the Bible.

Because I am God’s child, there is no punishment in store for me, but does He let me continue in sin? Look at Hebrews 12:6-11:

For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. 9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. 11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

So, God does not punish his children, but He does chasten his children. What does “chasten” mean? According to Strongs Concordance, the word means, “to train, educate, discipline.” And the word “rebuke” means “to convince, tell a fault, reprove.” The word “scourge” refers to corporal discipline.

Here are some keys that I’ve taken away from this passage:

1. I no longer “punish” my children. Instead, I correct or discipline them. You might think this is just a matter of semantics, but, really, punishment and discipline have different goals. The goal of punishment is to make my children “pay” for their disobedience. The goal of discipline is to correct their behavior and to teach my children. You’ll often see me guiding my children in “doing it again the right way.” We try to use lots of scripture to show them God’s ways. We remind them whose “team” we’re on.

2. In verse 10 we see that discipline is for our children’s profit. It is not to make my life easier or to give me a vent for my frustrations. I think we all know this in our hearts, but it’s easy to react in the moment and make it all about me.

3. From verse 11, the goal at the end of my discipline is “the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” I should not walk away from a discipline situation still holding my child accountable for his disobedience. I should not walk away angry, nor should he. My goal is for my child to realize that his disobedience is wrong and to help him make the right choice. I want us to be hugging and smiling in the end, not walking away feeling resentful toward each other. This goal in mind affects my attitude toward my child when he has disobeyed. I am working toward restoration, rather than vindication.

I am in no way the perfect example of this type of parenting, but I think it’s right, and I’m growing and become a better parent, I think, as I strive to parent my children as God parents me.

I welcome your thoughts on this topic. My thinking is always sharpened by thoughtful, God-loving friends.

*Cough! Cough! Cough!*

I’m blowing the dust off my blog today. I’ve got lots of ideas swirling around in my head that I’d like to share. So…..if anyone is still out there, stay tuned for some posts from me coming soon!

The Jesus Storybook Bible-A Giveaway

My most popular blog post ever is one I wrote about my favorite Bible story books for young children. I get hits weekly, if not daily, from people who are looking for good resources for teaching the Bible to their young children. One book I mentioned was The Jesus Storybook Bible. This storybook is unique in that every story mentions Jesus. I’ve not seen another Bible story book that helps us to see Christ in the Old Testament like this one does. This book is truly gospel-centered and gospel-focused. I highly recommend it to you.

Zondervan is releasing a deluxe edition in October. You can go here to learn more about The Jesus Storybook Bible.

How We Should Be Talking to Our Kids

Ephesians 4:29-30 “Let no (not a single one!) corrupt (rotten; worthless) communication (more than your words–your tone of voice, your expression, etc.) proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying (building up spiritually; encouraging), that it may minister grace (help; kindness; good will; favor ) unto the hearers.”

I’d like to address a topic that has consumed me lately: the way parents ought to talk to their children. I think this Ephesians passage is a good place to start: as parents, we ought not let a single word come out of our mouths that will tear down our children. Instead, every word should be spiritually encouraging, edifying, and helpful to them.

One way I believe parents “corrupt” their children is in the way they handle discipline situations. Most of us would probably agree that it is important to teach our children to obey and to correct them when they do not. But some parents seem to believe that obedience can be taught at any cost: through yelling, screaming, belittling, manipulating, etc. Oftentimes, we employ these “corrupting” methods because we are viewing their disobedience as more of a personal offense against us (“Why do you put me through this?” “Why do I have to tell you this over and over again?”, “Can’t I just have some peace and quiet for awhile?”) rather than an opportunity to teach and guide our children.

From John Younts’s book, Everyday Talk:

“Parents, when you give in to anger, resentment or self-pity at your children’s bad behavior, you make yourself the center of the problem. You are loving yourself first and most. You must love your kids enough to show them the danger of their behavior. They need to see that their first problem is with God, and only secondarily with you. … You must be more concerned for them than for yourself, and you must be concerned most of all for God. By modeling patience, love, self-control–and all the fruit of the Spirit–you teach your children how extraordinary God is.”

From Tim Kimmel’s Grace-Based Parenting:

We need to “realize that (our) children will struggle with sin. …Consider it an honor to be used by God to show (your) children how to find true forgiveness in Christ. (Don’t be) intimidated by the dialogue that brings the discussion of sin into the light. In fact, (be) grateful to be able to come alongside (your) children with an unconditional love during some of their toughest hours. ”

I believe there’s a better way to correct our children when they’re disobedient, rather than anger, manipulation, exasperation, or belittling. And I believe it’s the biblical way:

Proverbs 16:20-24 “He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he. 21 The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning (persuasiveness). 22 Understanding is a wellspring of life unto him that hath it: but the instruction of fools is folly. 23 The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips. 24 Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.

Proverbs 15 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly… 4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. 18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.… 28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”

If you are a parent, grandparent, youth worker, or anyone who leads children or teenagers, I urge you to shed the tough-guy, heavy-handed approach and adopt the gentler, more pleasant, biblical approach which, perhaps, has not ever occurred to you before. The “corruption” that comes from yelling, belittling, or manipulation may not be evident  until your children are older and no longer hiding their true problems behind a facade of outward obedience.

*I’ve struggled over how to construct this post for days, and I’m still not satisfied with it. I think this is a HUGE issue, and I keep seeing and hearing antecdotes that make me want to share God’s Word far and wide on this topic. Maybe at some point I’ll be articulate enough to do it justice, but for now here is my feeble attempt to share the treasures of what God has been teaching me lately. May it spur you on to further thought and study.

Lands’ End Swimsuits- Sale!

Last year, I mentioned here how much I love many of Lands’ End’s  swimsuit options. I prefer a little more coverage than most bathing suits offer, and with Lands’ End’s mix-and-match separates, I’m able to find both a neckline and shorts/skirt that help me feel more comfortable splashing at our neighborhood pool with my kids. Today a friend alerted me to a Lands’ End swimsuit sale. Here you can browse their overstock inventory and see if you just might find a good deal that is skimpy only to your budget! (Ok….bad pun………)

On Priorities

I read a few good posts this week about priorities that I’d like to recommend to you:

Wendy Alsup blogs about “Accomplishment vs. Relationship

And Carolyn Mahaney has two thought-provoking posts about a mother’s priorities here and here.

Thoughts on Toys and Playtime

What are the best toys for children? The most enjoyable? The ones that hold a child’s attention the longest and make the best memories? As I think about that question, I think about one childhood which I happen to be an expert on—mine!

What are your favorite memories of playtime as a child? One of mine is of playing “restaurant” with my next-door neighbor, Christy Belcher. Mud, of course, was chocolate cake, grass was green beans, rocks were baked potatoes, crunchy leaves were chips while green leaves were paper money, and rose petals (Sorry, Mom!) were strawberries. I also loved playing kickball in the street with the neighborhood kids, “statues” or “tag” in one of our back yards, or the spontaneous water fights we had where all the neighborhood kids ganged up on Tom Coil, the single firefighter who lived two doors down from me. My brother and I enjoyed turning our bedroom into a roller-skating rink (Yeah, my parents were laid-back—thanks Mom and Dad!) or our bunk beds into apartments. When I think about it all, I almost wish I could go back and enjoy those days again.

Did you notice that all of my favorite memories involved next to nothing by way of material goods? And, probably, your favorite memories are similar to mine. All the glittery, high-tech stuff that lines the toy aisles is not nearly as entertaining as the little-bit-of-nothing my best memories are made of.

So, what makes for good playtime? I think the best toys are ones that have limitless options for creativity or “transformations.” For instance, a piece of paper or a lump of play dough can be transformed into a million different things, limited only by a child’s imagination.

Here are the kinds of toys that helped me make the best memories as a child and ones that my own children enjoy:

• Art stuff: construction paper, scissors, markers and crayons, felt, pipe cleaners, glue, glitter, googly eyes, paint, empty toilet paper rolls, etc. I keep all these supplies in a large bin along with a plastic tablecloth, which I use to cover the kitchen table whenever the kids are working on art.
• Play dough (add cookie cutters, plastic knives, etc.)
• Building/ construction stuff: Legos, Tinker Toys, blocks, etc.
• Dramatic play items: costumes, dishes, kitchen sets, dolls, etc. We’ve contributed old phones, an old keyboard, etc.
• Outdoor gear: bikes, balls, buckets, shovels, etc.

Speaking of outside toys, there’s no better play place than the great outdoors. There are so many wonderful natural materials to play with: mud, leaves, rocks, sand, water, etc. Purposely put your kids in play clothes and be willing to let them get messy!

If your kids aren’t used to being creative and don’t know what to do at first, get them started. Sit with them and start making or building something—maybe something you remember that you enjoyed creating as a child. Before long, your kids will catch on and will come up with ideas of their own. When you’re outside with them, help them mix up the mud. Teach them the games you enjoyed as a child. Play with them! After all, if you’re longing to go back and enjoy those simpler days, there’s one way to do it: Enjoy them with your children!

Bible Story Books and Verse Memorization for Young Children

We’ve used several books for Bible reading time/ verse memorization with our young children. I thought I’d share with you some of the resources we’ve used, and you can feel free to respond with some of your favorites. Also, I’ve put these in developmentally appropriate order. We used the first book when our children were barely talking, and we’re using the last few resources now with our two pre-K children.

1. The ABC Memory Book: Our children learned several verses around the time they were also learning their ABC’s: “A- All we like sheep have gone astray. B- But He was wounded for our transgressions. etc.” We would recite these verses and talk about them at breakfast each morning. I was amazed at the number of verses our toddlers learned.

2. The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth N. Taylor: I should mention that there is a new version of this classic book with more cartoony pictures, which I don’t care for. The original pictures are beautiful and, in my opinion, needed no update. Each Bible story is short enough to hold the attention of even young children, and they love to look at the pictures.

3. The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name by Sally Lloyd-Jones: This is a unique, gospel-centered Bible story book. The thing I love about this Bible story book is that each and every story, including those in the Old Testament, points to Jesus. I just love it. Now, I know a lot of people who love the art in this book, but, personally, I’m not overly fond of it.

4. Kids4Truth: My church hosts a Kids4Truth club with incentives for memorizing verses. Kids4Truth is a unique, doctrine-based program that includes not only verse memorization, but also catechism-like questions and answers to teach children about 12 basic doctrines of the Bible. If you have no Kids4Truth club near you, you can still use the resources in your own family. They’re excellent.

Feel free to comment and share with us some of your favorite resources!

Djubi Sale- Order Yours Today!

In an earlier post I introduced you to a fun new game called Djubi. This is the coolest twist on “pitch and catch” that you’ll ever see. For a limited time, Djubi is offering an online special for $24.99. Don’t miss out on this sale! Order yours today!

*And if you’d like to learn a little bit more about my brother-in-law, go to his business website at www.j4studios.com or his family website at www.ethihopeia.com

P.S. Greenville friends, stop into O.P. Taylor downtown or The Elephant’s Trunk to see Djubi for yourself!